FEAR

We have heard all kind of pregnancy stories where we absolutely know that its a most beautiful kind of journey – of getting to see a new life develop inside you all miraculously .. and yes the stories are most certainly very much true..
But i want to talk about another emotion that comes with it all…
Fear..

I dont know how common it is in mothers-to-be or mothers..
But i experienced it in waves throughout my 9 months journey and it continues till date postpartum .

It started with the thought of conceiving in 30s (even though i had barely touched 30 when i conceived)-
is my body healthy enough, will my body be able to give best of what is needed for my baby’s growth…

Then another bought of fear came when i caught cold and fever in my first trimester- everybody around me went like, you cant take medicines, well you shouldnt fall ill in first place, first trimester is so critical. And even though i took all precautions to stay healthy, i had fallen ill… i cried in panic..

Then one day i felt overwhelmingly happy that i wanted to share the news with whole world- but then my inner-self went like – naii, lets not announce already ..najar lagegi kya?! (and this happened again when i delivered – only this time i decided to trust the positivity in people, the good vibes friends and family send consciously and unconsciously when they hear such news)

I cried with fear when i had to go for sonography more than what i thought was usual and cried thinking if this is affecting my baby…

Also google scared the **** out of me if i tried to check any new changes in me with respect to pregnancy (i know absolutely wrong place to check about any health related queries.. but then there are so many changes constantly happening in you that you end up asking google before you ask anyone else.. where you should be asking absolutely anyone but google)

And then came days when even the most random or common symptom of pregnancy scared me…
Did i bend too much today, when i am only supposed to squat? – will it hurt the baby..

5months of pregnancy and i still cant feel baby movements- is everything fine with me.

My baby is in breech position (second trimester) – is it healthy for baby

My baby is kicking way too much (third trimester) – is it fine.

Why am I getting no labour pains when i am at end of my 40weeks..

And then there were some legit fears that came with certain medical reports of mine, but all of them eventually disappeared with good care and suggestion from doctor and mother dear, constant positive reassurance from family and relentless support and patience of Pati-Dev.

So yes, there came days of self doubt, anger, confusion, anxiety and a never experienced earlier kind of fear..
but with all that said, i would do it all over again.. because i have seen nothing more beautiful than these journey and i have spent dayssss enjoying the happiness that came with it and continuing to do so till date…

P.S. Any of you ever go through the worrisome days as such, just know that, I am just a DM away..
We can always talk mommies…

Dear Deep

It somehow still feels like an elaborate prank…
Coz one night you got this crazy idea to want to know what everyone talks about you when you are gone…
But, we all also know that you arent that insensitive…
And even then, I am not able to come to terms to saying that we will miss you…

We just met you 2 months back and you were as crazy and as energetic as ever..talking and debating over the random most topics – from Osho to live ins, and Veganism to World Travel, Himalayan treks being by default a part of everything.
Also, while justifying why you ditched us on the last 2 treks, you sort of promised “arei next year kuch accha hi plan karte hain.”
And now you are just not around to complain that, “Deep, tu fir ditch kiya”

My lil complains aside, you will still be remembered as the 23 something year old boy whom I met at Kalatop and whose love for Himalayas was almost contagious.
And also with all other fond memories of
The late evening walk in the forest just to sit and meditate…
Climbling boulders early in the morning to catch the sunrise…
Driving on a moped for some 50kms to visit a cave just to end up fighting…
Sitting midnight on the beach and talking about the most vulnerable moments of our lives…
Doing that all nighter trek in Sahaydris.
The endless discussions on any random topic.
And then going for that one EPIC TREK of our lives together – THE EVEREST BASE CAMP.

Even though our memories are numbered….
It was a pleasure to have known you Deep.
You will be dearly missed…

Read about his adventures and thoughts @

http://www.deepjyotibiswas.com/

Mount Machapuchare

I am never the one planning too much or watching any videos on YouTube about the trek I am planning to go to…
Annapurna was no different…
This gives me days of sheer surprise when I get to see sky piercing mountains, jewel blue stream flowing beside my trail and vast vistas ❤️.
Other side of this coin is.. i also go through certain days where I have to drag myself on the trail because I had no idea I will have to trek through multiple uphills and downhills while it pours nice and steady on a muddy trail for 13 hours in a single day 😬 .
And even with all that, I say I would do it all over again and in the very same way…
What makes me wanna do it you ask…
Well, one reason would be this peak you are seeing in the picture – Mount Machapuchare.
While other peaks would hide behind clouds, this one would forever be smiling from the top and in a way kept telling me to keep moving forward, until I reached this place where I could get a eyeful of this mighty beauty and soak into its vastness…
Fell in love with this beauty, the kind of love you dont fall in everyday for, the kind of love you never recover from💕

About older writings

A simple conversation made me want to write this today.

There’s a common experience of re-reading some scribbles you wrote months or years back and saying, “Oh crap!”

I am sure, many of you must have experienced this.

Well, exactly that happened to a friend today. And he said, “You know what Bhakti, I realized that writing about things way down the line after a year or so filters out a lot. If it was important to you, it will stay. Rest everything would vanish after time.”

And in a breath a replied to him which I want to tell everyone who love writing about his/her’s experiences –
How is this sensible to not write what we feel today just because tomorrow we might not feel the same?
Moreover you know, we humans tend to forger every past feeling. We only remember the feelings that stays with & around us till date.
Or else our memory has the tendency to reconstruct itself after a while. We start forgetting the chronology of the events and minute details.
So eventually the memory either eliminates bits and pieces of the experience or it exagerrates the experience so that it looks even more overwhelming today…
Thus killing the real essence of the experience.

And then you start feeling stupid while you read your old piece of writing, as only the words written remembers the experience, the feelings, the detail, the heart of that event but your memory has let it go for some reason…
All you remember is a experience which is trivial & then you proudly smile to yourself & say – There… I have grown up so much since then !!!

Well really?
HAVE YOU?

My first encounter with snowfall…

If Snow-Adventure-Nature-Trip is on your mind…
HIMALAYAS is the answer my friend…

Actually, Himalayas is always on your mind if you have visited it once. And so, almost after 14 months of first visiting them, I finally successfully planned & booked for my next visit to the mighty mountains. This time – it was to see the ROOPKUND.
I said yes for the trek without googling for any pictures or blogs or prerequisites. “Himalayan Trek”, said a friend, “I am in”, I replied.

I started my journey from Pune, traveled in the locals of Mumbai, enjoyed the parathas-n-lassi in Delhi, slept like a child in Kathgodam & was ready for my trek by the time we reached our base camp in Lohajung after a journey which took eternity to come to an end.

It always fascinates me how people from different walks of life gel immediately on such treks. We had quick round of introduction, did unpacking-repacking of luggage, got feel of the erratic weather & heard the do’s & dont’s for trek. Also, we lost connection to electricity right there at the base camp, with very little mobile network to no mobile network later.

Next day we started our journey with heavy backpacks & eyes glowing with enthusiasm of kids going for some trip . The first day tested our strength. It was difficult & it did not get any easier that day. We got tired but we pushed each other. We took pictures, teased each other, took breaks & reached our first Everest -Didna. A beautiful wooden house awaited our presence there. We ate & drank. We played & sang. We went for a walk & collected wood for bonfire & it goes without saying that we shared ghost stories.

We had moments when we doubted ourselves but still the next day got prettier as we started getting accustomed to the climate & the trek . Ali Bugyal was the most beautiful camp site of all- some 15 odd tents in the middle of the huge mountains. Only vast stretch of meadows were visible till the horizon where the skies began.

Watched the sun rise in Ali Bugyal & then we set foot towards our next camp. This was a pleasant trail, a long walk in the lush green meadows to experience the gusty wind at Ghora Lotani & finally to see heavy rainfall & hailstorm at Pathar Nachauni. The trek meals became punishment for us & Maggie gave quick satisfaction to our hungry tummies every now & then. (Bless-the-villagers)

We could see the mountain covered in snow & then in fog that we were supposed to climb, it was going to be a good accent. Next day, it rained on the way. I saw everyone struggle with their backpacks. There was less conversation amongst fellow trekkers,even the mules carrying backpacks were walking slow &  concentrating on the narrow paths & turns. Another group of trekkers crossed us. A girl asked for help & without any hesitation I stayed back with her, helped her & then we moved ahead. Only smiles were exchanged not even names. How easy it was there, to ask for help & to help. Somewhere in the middle of the mountains I experienced simplicity.

Bhagwabasa, Oh-my-my… That is the place you want to see after shedding kilos from your body & days of trekking. Snow-snow everywhere & the smile of accomplishment on everyone’s face added to the beauty. Also, having your friends along with you to share this is without a doubt- Heavenly.

The summit day was the longest of all but at the end of the day felt as if passed in a glimpse. We started summit walk at 3 am in the morning after it had snowed for hours covering all the trail towards the lake. Camp guides & locals helped us reach the summit & experience tranquility which was one of its kind. AND THAT WAS IT !!!

Any amount of pictures could not portray the beauty. It was surreal. We could not go to Junargali but even then we were satisfied with what we could achieve.
Our descend to Pathar Nachauni happened the same day. Everyone was drained & needed sleep which the sleeping bags gave us even in the penetrating windy night.

Next day was a walk in the park with old friends. Everyone knew everyone else well. Singing songs was part of our routine now. Eating at every place we could find, carrying our bags happily was in our habit. And then, talking about our lives in the plains & sharing other travel experiences we reached back to our base camp.

We returned with tans, sun-burns, blisters, swollen-feet. But the gift Himalayas gave was too precious to think about the other pain.

If you get a chance don’t miss to visit the place.
And when you are there….
Don’t hesitate to stroll around to see the village of Didna & talk to the residents…
Don’t miss to sneak out of your tent at midnight in Ali Bugyal to listen to the silence & to see the Full Moon (or no moon).
Watch your dinner tent getting uprooted in Pathar Nachauni due to hail storm (Freak out and even then dare to go outside your tent to pee)
Dance on the snow-covered ground in Bhagwabasa, go on a walk & find a-moment-a-place for yourself.
Go crazy, take pictures until you get tired & say….”Dammit-i-cannot-capture-this-in-my-camera.”

A wonderful piece of writing

Love is a tricky thing. It varies in intensity and in the specificity of emotions. It is sometimes the most beautiful thing in the world and, at other times, it’s the most horrid thing we’ve ever come face-to-face with.

It’s odd how one thing could be the cause of so many contrary feelings. But that’s what makes love so beautiful – it’s the closest thing to perfection that exists in the world, the only thing that can easily and comfortably encompass both good and evil, beautiful and ugly.

It’s the closest thing to a flawless whole that man has ever claimed to have been part of.

When we think of love, we think of the happy kind of love, the kind that is the beginning of something beautiful – something that breathes life.

There is, however, another kind of love, a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the love one feels when one loves someone he or she can never and will never have.

It’s the kind of love that doesn’t signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is.

Contrary to popular belief or popular wishful thinking, love doesn’t always end happily. It doesn’t always result in the joining of two people, the fusing of two lives into one.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, it results in the wedging apart of the two who love each other the most. You can love someone with all your soul and never get a chance to be with that person. Even worse, you can know that you love him or her, understanding there is no possibility that the two of you will ever be together.

Some people cannot and will not ever end up together, even if they do love each other. It’s a sad truth, but a truth, nonetheless.

The fact is, love is not enough. All those fairytales, all those stories and movies you’ve heard and watched growing up, lied to you. Love is never enough because love is not rational.

You hear that love is irrational all the time, yet you still hear the same people saying that love is enough to keep two people together.

Unfortunately, we live in a world governed by rationality, and while love may be irrational, and we may manage to make it work for some time, the real world always catches up with us and our irrational illusions dissipate into thin air.

Then we are left with reality and reality doesn’t always reason the way lovers do.

Some people don’t work out together. They have habits or beliefs that make it impossible to co-habitate with the person they love.

The two may love each other fully, because remember, love isn’t rational, yet not be able to live and deal with each other forever. This is why relationships require compromise.

You’re not going to love everything about the person you are with, but you love enough about him or her to live with the things you don’t love. Not all people are willing to, or even able to, compromise. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, regardless of what our emotions tell us.

Compromising, of course, is a choice. You either choose to make it work or you choose not to. I believe this fully. As long as something doesn’t go against your nature, over time you can make it work. But there are still some cases when compromising isn’t enough.

Sometimes there are other reasons two people cannot and will not ever be together. In fact, this is usually the deciding factor of whether or not two lovers will be capable of spending their lives together: if they are able to forgive and forget.

Because love is as intense an emotion as one gets, it occasionally leads us to make poor choices – choices that are hurtful to the ones we love.

They may be poor calls of judgment, lies we told or things we said. We move from relationship to relationship, hauling all that luggage we managed to accumulate in our previous relationship. 

Because lovers who can’t work together don’t like to accept this fact, they have a tendency of breaking up and getting back together repeatedly. 

Each time they take a break from each other, they come back and try to start fresh. But the problem is, they’re still carrying all that luggage. And sooner or later, they start to unpack. All the demons come out.

When love scars, it cuts deep. The pain isn’t easily forgotten. Relationships are built on trust.

Chances are, you both have bruises that have never fully healed and likely will never fully heal. And that’s just something you decided that you’ll have to live with. Why?

Because you really don’t have any other options. You just hope that the two of you find others to love so you can think about each other less and so you don’t have to worry about her happiness anymore.

You wait in hopes that new love can take the place of the old — which it can. But that doesn’t mean you will ever stop loving each other. Some people will love each other until the day they die, spending the majority of their lives apart.

And so is the darker side of love.

-Anonymous

Mom & Me

I always wonder how can my Mom do so much in the same 24 hours that everyone gets in a day on this planet. Padma Heda, my mother, my first teacher, a philosopher, a-mentor-one-call-away. She’s no less then Google when it comes to finding things for me, she might not know everything I need but she makes sure she finds it for me or even learn it if necessary. She’s a housewife, but works like a SUPER-WOMAN & that’s what defines her the best.

She has been married for 29 years now, lived in a joint family with my grandparents, uncle-aunty, raised 3 awesome kids & made the Best-Parent-Couple with my Father.

Like every mother she encouraged us to nurture my hobbies along with our studies & imbibed the value of family in us. What made her parenting different was those little things that are tend to be forgotten, but we never did viz., when i came home spoiling a new dress with food or dirt she would simply say, “don’t worry dear, i will clean it”, she allowed us to play with friends as long as we wanted, she trusted us in doing right time management between our work, play & studies.

Even today at 51, she lives her life to the fullest & has no remorse. She keeps the innocence in her alive, she smiles & spreads smile. She says there’s is no age limit to learn what you want to learn & so continues learning. (Recently joined in Bharatnatyam, Kudos!!!!!).

There is nothing that hasn’t been written about a mother & I am only adding my little share to it. Just want to tell you mom that I am so proud to be your daughter. This exhibition of your paintings is a small gift to you on your Birthday!

WE LOVE YOU !!! :*

(Exhibition Venue : Jawaharlal Nehru Art Gallery, Ghole Road, Pune on 31st Oct & 1st Nov ’15, 10am to 8pm.

Visit http://www.facebook.com/ourmagicbrush.com for more)

A journey of black & white #2

I wonder…

I wonder… why is this the dream of majority of the people who are in LOVE….!

FAITH

Sometimes you stop believing that you can do “IT”. Those are the times when neither words of motivation nor the words of praise makes any difference. The only thing that makes you do “IT” – is a li’l FAITH shown in you by someone you love !